At almost any hour of any day
If you ask me what time it is
My impromptu response will be within 3-4 minutes of what the clock says
And usually right on the nose
It’s uncanny
But made infinitely weirder by the fact
That I have zero precision anywhere else in my relationship with time
I’ve never worn a watch
I rarely carry my phone
I’ve recently heard the term “time drunk” and was a little scared at how much it resonated
And it’s not just me
My sister’s friend once summed up my father:
“I picture your dad, a martini in one hand, a handful of peanuts in the other
Having to be somewhere 15 minutes ago, and deciding to take a nap”
Yup.
There was a belligerence in his relationship to time all of his life
We were all effected, and most of his children have some form of time wonkiness
Wreaking all kinds of havoc
My favorite dentist lied to me about my appointment time for years
I was grateful, but once I knew, we were right back to rolling the dice as to when I’d be there
Parenting made me able to act more responsibly, but just kindof
During the few years my kids went to school
I routinely showed up just as they were sending attendance to the office
“Hey, kid! Hand me that clipboard! I’m just going to erase this little checkmark…”
Contrast that with my husband
When he took the kids to school they often had to wait for the teacher to come unlock the door
My daughter is like my husband. My son is like me.
I wish we were all somewhere in the middle
But life is full of nebulous wishes, stubborn proclivities, and unpredictable transformations
As well as specific wishes, remarkable growth and intentional shifts
I am very clear that I can control very little of it
Even, often, my own behavior
But, I’m equally clear that I can be curious about my relationship to it, my experience of it, and my participation in it
Without it being a referendum on my worth
Not running to or from this state or that state, but knowing all the states arise and fall
Not ‘a good day because I was on time’
Or ‘a bad day because i repeated a pattern I’m ashamed of’
Just a day
A day full of wonder and heartbreak on this earth
Billions of instances of each
And the sweet and salty taste of participation.
