There are only so many times a person can be earnestly trying for something
Watching other people seem to get it easily
And remain chipper in their congratulations
Even when those well-wishes are heartfelt and without reproach
It’s hard to keep envy entirely out of the equation
And curiosity about what makes it unavailable to me
This is hard. And tricky. And no one dances through it unscathed.
And a well of compassion for so many people in so many situations erupts in me
Even as I encounter my own flavor of it
I’ve had the same pain point for years
I can derive meaning, glean insight, and wax poetic about it
I can also even notice and appreciate advantages it affords me
Even as I cannot deny the disadvantages
So many things can be true at once, it’s mindboggling
But as I move through the days where my efforts fall flat
I feel it’s a little bit like living in an apartment I don’t like
Just wanting to GTFO
And maybe washing the windows
To make being here more bearable for today
I had a friend say a few weeks ago: “Maybe you’re just not meant to work”
And the cascade of bristling
“Tell that to the electric company”
“How is that fair to my husband?”
“Do I just capitulate and accept that there isn’t a place I can serve society?”
Came into direct opposition to some burdensome belief
That I have to try
No matter how many people ignore or reject me
I have to keep offering myself
That’s what my therapist said
And I don’t know if it’s true
(I have, actually, fired that therapist)
But, today, my approach is about getting comfortable in Limbo
There’s a Catholic belief that babies who die before baptism
Have to wait out the Second Coming in this in-between place
Not heaven
Not hell
Just limbo
Feels familiar
And if I’m going to be here a while
As I have been in this specific area of my life
I may as well exercise my acceptance muscle
Stop being certain there’s a different expression of life
Wherein my role in the world is flourishing in a way that is evident to myself
I have tried every door, every window, every mouse hole with both left hand and right
Limbo is not releasing me
So, I may as well wash the windows
Maybe get a new bathmat
Hang a picture or two
Get comfortable
And make the desperate parts of me some tea and crackers
Not because anything has changed
But because I’ve lived long enough to know
Resistance costs peace
So I may as well make myself at home
